land of the donkeys

I know, I know! You had the best hand, and Donkey-boy hit a miracle card to kill your two pair: aces over kings. In case you were wondering, he did notice you had re-raised pre-flop. He also realized that you bet straight out when A-K-9 hit the board. He should have known you had the ace or king paired up – at least! He knew you would be upset when the ten completed his set on the river. Quit calling him names. There is no “do-over” in poker. But before you go, can I ask you a question? Why are you playing a $2 sit-n-go at two in the morning? Don’t you know that this is the Land of the Donkeys?

If you insist on playing in my land, you should know what you’re up against. Do you really want to know what makes a guy stay in a hand pre-flop with 8-10 when you have clearly raised big from under the gun? Let me introduce you to some common donkey breeds:

SHOW-ME DONKEY:
You have been on a rush of good cards and won four hands in a row without a showdown. The Show-me Donkey thinks you have been stealing hands and is sick of your crap. So now you have yet another big hand? Okay, let’s see it.

SOLUTION: When facing a short stack to your left, choose hands that you don’t mind playing for the entire amount of his stack. This is especially true if the short stack is on the button or recently lost a big hand. See the On-the-Button Donkey and Steamed Donkey below.

SHORT-STACK DONKEY:
Face it. The short stack is likely to call with any ace, any face-suited, any two face cards, or any pair. There is also a possibility that he’ll call with any low connectors, hoping to have two live cards.

SOLUTION: When facing a short stack to your left, choose hands that you don’t mind playing for the entire amount of his stack. This is especially true if the short stack is on the button or recently lost a big hand. See the On-the-Button Donkey and Steamed Donkey below.

ON-THE-BUTTON DONKEY:
Blame television for this one. One of the factoids emblazoned across the bottom of the screen during the 2003 WPT telecasts read: Many professionals will call a raise with marginal hands on the button to discourage aggressive play. This has been interpreted in Donkey-speak as, “I should defend my blinds with any hand.” This is terrible poker. The practice of defending the blind is a complex mix of situational awareness and gamesmanship that only an experienced player should try.

SOLUTION: You can’t put the Donkey on a hand just because he called a raise from the blind. He could literally have anything. You must make a probe bet of four times any bet he makes, or bet the pot if he checks ahead of you, to see if he has a hand. If you don’t hit anything that’s worth a bet on the flop, then check/fold and hope for the best.

STEAMED DONKEY:
This donkey just got crushed in a big hand – maybe he got out-donked by one of his donkey siblings. He is steaming, hates poker, and is vowing never to play this stupid game again. He is capable of anything – all-in with trash, calling with gutshot draws and any flush draw, regardless of the pot odds.

SOLUTION: Go ahead and play the Steaming Donkey. Just don’t be steaming yourself if he spanks you with a nine-high flush.

VENGEFUL DONKEY:
Have you been a brat? Have you been verbally whipping your donkey? What did you think the donkey’s reaction would be to your ruthless ridicule of his bad play? Here is what happens: If you ridicule and taunt that donkey enough, he will tighten up his play. He will wait until he has the super premium hands that you claim only to play, slow play you on every street, and finally bust you over the head with the acesfull anvil on the banks of Donkey River.

SOLUTION: Don’t ridicule donkey play! How many times do you have to read this piece of advice? Just stop it!

FLUSH DONKEY:
The favorite hand of donkeys worldwide is the flush. They will play any two suited cards in either blind. That is good news for you most of the time, because it usually will not hit, right? Well, that’s true if you have one or two donkeys at your table, but if you have six donkeys you are in trouble, because someone is playing suited cards. Suited cards come fairly often.

SOLUTION: You must be suspicious of any flop with two suited cards. Don’t let it cripple your play, because usually the flush doesn’t materialize. However, if you get quick calls from donkeys behind you, expect they are on flush draw. When online, you will need to over-bet the pot to get the Flush Donkey to lay it down. But if he is also a Steamed Donkey or a Short-Stacked Donkey, even that won’t work. Prepare to lay down you’re A-A or K-K when the third heart hits on the river. And one more thing: If the heart hits on the turn, the donkey will slowplay and raise on the river.

STUBBORN DONKEY: Donkeys are stubborn by nature. It’s a defining characteristic of the breed. When a donkey bets into a flop, he will call your raise – almost always. This is because the donkey still feels the money he bets is his. He will chase it – at least for one more street. You will need to bet/raise again on the turn to knock him down. If you check the turn after raising the flop, the donkey will always bet big to represent a big hand.

SOLUTION: The most likely time to eliminate a donkey from a hand is not on the flop, but on the turn. Many donkeys play by the following donkey rule: get in as cheap as possible, call the flop bet, and raise the turn. Look for this pattern. If you have a good hand, reraising on the turn is your best option. If not, wait for a better hand.

DONKEY PARTY: Are you playing in a $3 rebuy tourney? How about a $5 sit-n-go? Are you prepared to get your *** handed to you again and again? These games are where the donkeys get together to socialize and rub noses. If you want to play here, fine. But if you start winning on a regular basis, you may have just ruined your game and become a donkey, too.

SOLUTION: You need to play tight, especially early. Once you get a decent lead, you will need to raise four to five times the big blind pre-flop to get the donkeys to lay down marginal hands. If there is more than one caller ahead of you, you will need to bet the pot to eliminate players. Most importantly, expect the worst and don’t get steamy. After all, you asked for it.

SUMMARY:
If you made it this far, you probably have a lot of opinions about what you just read. If you want to play with me in the Land of the Donkeys, you will need to read it again. If you have a decent foundation game, and you apply this advice, you can expect to improve your positive monthly return. You MUST mentally categorize this level of play as Donkey Land play, so it does not creep into your regular game (assuming you have another game). If you can’t stomach this kind of play, I suggest you move to the Land of Awesome Skills. Although I hear they ride the occasional donkey there, too. His breed is “Money-to- Burn Donkey.”